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August 2015
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November 2016

Trading One Vice For Another

Can't recall the precise moment it happened. And maybe it was just a culmination of too many moments that made me realize I wasn't happy with the direction in which I was headed.

Regardless of the reason, several weeks ago I cut back on the downward spiral of emotional eating. It had gotten really bad, to the point of not even being hungry and eating anyway. Eating the wrong junk...I wouldn't even call it food...and drinking the wrong kind of liquids.

Add to that still getting used to a new schedule with mostly early morning wake ups which kill me every day (not really but it feels like it) and sleepworking thru the majority of my day.

And added to that, feeling really really crappy, run down, ouchy and mostly exhausted.

Then one day I put 1 + 1 + 1 together and decided "Holy shit, you'd better get your act together".

So 9:30 became my new bedtime. Not easy for a night owl. Then I started reading. Not online reading but actual hold-a-book-in-your-hands reading. Which made it easier to fall asleep. Which made getting thru my day a bit easier. Which gave me the strength to ease back on the junk food. And stop having soda at home. And drinking lots more water. And having more time to play fetch with Fatso. 

Not online as much as I used to be, but something's gotta give, right? :-)

Also not hitting 100% on all cylinders yet, but doing way better than I'd hoped.

Better is good. So are books, sleep, water and cuddly puppy dogs named Fatso.

Books I'm currently reading :

Heaven is Here

Can I Say : Living Large, Cheating Death and Drums Drums Drums

 

What are you reading that inspires you, gives you hope and is impossible to put down?

 

 


Funny Thing About Grief

...we all cope with it in our own unique way. Some ways healthy. Some ways not.

Monday August 3rd was the last time I helped Mom to the bathroom. Normally a 10-15 minute act took over 90 minutes. She forgot how to get out of bed. Forgot how to use her limbs. Was confused. Was in pain. It took every last ounce of strength I had (with Casey's help) to manuever Mom into Dad's walker seat, help her into the bathroom then help her back out. 

Once she was settled back into bed, she asked me to take her home. I promised I would. (And we will). Mom said she had a favor to ask. As she motioned for me to lean in closer, she said "When things change and you know they will, I want you to take care of yourself. I want you to put yourself first and do what makes YOU happy. I want you to have fun and travel and be good to yourself."

So that's what I've been doing for the past month.

I've slept late every chance I've had. Visited CO. Poured my heart out to close friends. Spruced up my wardrobe with vibrant colors. Bought books I've wanted to read. Bought not one but two pair of ASICS Gel Kayano 22. Bought fragrance that didn't  have a memory attached. Ditched the cane I've been using (and hated) for this Storm Trooperish gizmo (in white) that has made me all sorts of happy and has allowed me to walk better, farther, faster and safer AND has improved my balance to where I can walk unassisted in some places. (Not all places, that's a work in progress. Take that, Anxiety Disorder). Booked overdue Dr's appts. Dentist appts. Washed my car. Cleaned out my closets. Cried when I needed to cry. Cuddled with Fatso at every opportunity. Smiled more.

Not all of my coping methods were positive. There was that 3 week span when I drank enough Coke and ate enough junk food to add 5 unwanted pounds. But that's come and gone and I'm no longer eating my feelings. For the most part. (Talking to you Famous Amos Chocolate Chip cookies.)

Not as bad as turning to drugs or booze I kept telling myself. Which I'd never do in the first place so why even say it, ya know?

It's been said that money can't buy happiness. I feel to a certain extent, it can. Many of my purchases have made me wildly happy and content. Several have improved my quality of life and improved my health. It feels good to take care of me and say yes instead of always saying no. 

Thanks for speaking up, Mom. I appreciate the effort it took to share your last moment of clarity with me and I'll remember your message for the rest of my life.

I love you, a bushel and a peck, a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck.