I Still Hear His Voice

"You're a good 'taker-carer-ofer. You've taken wonderful care of me. And my family. And your family. And our dog. You just love to take care of me and everyone else. And that's why I stayed with you for the last 3 years. I didn't love you anymore, but I woulda been stupid to leave you...cause you did everything for me. You did it cause you loved me and you wanted to make me happy. You didn't want anything in return other than to make me happy. So I guess I have to finally be honest with you since you've always been honest with me. I don't love you anymore. I haven't for awhile. File the divorce papers tomorrow."

And that's how I knew my marriage was over. I picked up the necessary documents the next day and we filed 2 days later.

And a month later, Dec 7 2001, our marriage was declared over and I was single again.

Every year around this time, I remember the day he was finally honest with me.  And I remember the day our marriage ended

I still hear his voice like he said it yesterday. And I always wonder as I go thru my life, helping out family and friends and co-workers and plain old strangers, am I doing it again? Am I going overboard on the being nice and kind and helpful?  Cause I really truly like being that way. I LOVE LOVE LOVE to help out...whoever...whenever...for whatever reason. When I was in 3rd grade, my dad asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. And I said that I wanted to help people. Consistancy, right?

Honestly, it's how I like to be. I'm no Mother Teresa; far from it. I never expect anything back other than to know I made someone's life a little easier or happier or cheerier. Yet, when it comes to this time of the year, I tend to second guess myself. To pull back just a little and review where I am and the type of person I am.  Just this week I thought...for the very first time...maybe...just maybe...it was him?  Maybe it's ok to be giving and loving and making someone else the center of your life and universe cause it comes from within...I wasn't really doing it for him...I was doing it for me cause I WANTED to do it for him?

I'm not in a relationship now...haven't been in one for awhile. It doesn't really bother me either. Every now and then I will say' ok, yeah...I'm ready to move forward...then 5 minutes later I change my mind and think 'Why bother'?  It's easier this way. Easier to be friends and buddies and not go down the relationship road".

It gets easier every year, this whole D-Day anniversary thing. It'd be nice to not remember it each year and not to get all retrospectivey & analytically about it. But I do. 

And when all is said and done, I would do it all over again, yes I would.

I would move heaven and earth to make that one special person feel as special as possible. To give everything and then some and not expect anything in return.

It's me. That's how I am and how I roll. 

If there is a next time around, I hope it would turn out differently.

Comments

[hubs]

Good for you Kath. It sounds like you're now being honest with yourself.

[Princess Jami]

It was totally him. I think you are one of the people who truly represents the idea of giving 100%, not 50% and expecting 50% back in return. He didn't understand that. We love you for how you are generous with your soul and time! :-)

[Princess Jami]

Also, we love you for YOU. Everything you like or obsess over or think about. Not what you can do for us. :-)

[LG]

Love you sweetie!!!

[Chaya]

You are a wonderful person don't ever change. I love you and miss you! (Even tho they say it takes two to tango, he was never on the dancing floor). Chaya

[rosalicious]

If you truly enjoy being a good taker-carer-ofer, then it's definitely OK :) The people in your life appreciate and love you for exactly who you are, and your future soul mate will too!

xoxo

(P.S. It was totally him!)

[ClizBiz]

I'm glad you wrote about this, if only to prove that you are most definitely not alone in this world. Let's not forget that you single-handedly orchestrated my entire Denver social life.

If the divorce had not happened, perhaps Denver would not be lucky enough to have you! From that perspective, I'm glad the bastard moved on.

[renewed]

I think you're peachy-keen. I love that you accept everyone immediately as if you've known them forever, and I KNOW you've been a source of happiness for me in otherwise dismal times. So, I thank you for that!

[Felicia]

I think you are wonderful!!!

Also something I have learned (cause I have the nature to be helpful too) is that it makes me happy to make others happy (granted I have learned the whole "no" phrase too) but sometimes we just have to embrace who we are :)

[hdw]

Don't you love these 'a-ha' kinda moments? I think you are exactly right. And I, of course, think you are wonderful as well. You are an excellent friend to me, and I appreciate the hell outta ya. MWAH.

[Kath]

Thanks to everyone for their kind thoughts.

@ hubs- Was always honest with myself..it's just that this was the first time I was public with this much detail. :-)

@ Chaya - You were there to see it all. I will always remember the time you took me aside to offer me escape $$ so I could start over and forge a new path. Even tho I said no, that is one of the kindest things that anyone had ever done for me. Love you, Chayale!

@ Clizbiz- Yeah, isn't it funny what draws us to Denver? All broken hearts lead to Denver..sounds like a play. Also, don't know that I would refer to him as a bastard. I loved him (still do) with all my heart. I think more than anything he was just wired differently than I was. That is one of my biggest takeaways from past relationships....sometimes people are wired differently....doesn't make them bad people. But I get what you mean :-)

@ Flea - EXACTAMUNDO!

@ HDW- Yes, I do. Lightbulb moments are priceless for the clarity they offer. MWAH back at ya!