After Midnite

It's after midnite but I'm still considering this my Sunday, even tho the time and date will say differently.

And I guess, in a nutshell, that's an apt description of me and how I see things. My tagline for my blog used to be "My perception IS my reality". And it still is, I guess. Even for things as little as the date and time of a blog post.

So. Your weekend? Good? Great? Drank lots of wine? (yeah, that was for you, Rosie).

Mine was really really nice, thanks for asking.  Hair cut, more purple added, errrands, worked 8 hours at my awesome of awesomest J#2, then headed out to meet Shmeder (hi Shmeder!) and April, who I met via Facebook and was in town to check out DU as a potential grad school (hi April).

Didn't stay out all that late but managed to have fun in the short amount of hang time allocated. And Famous Pizza didn't hurt either.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Slept in like no one's business. Sleeping late at least one day a week is a godsend...two days in a week is heaven beyond belief. Spring cleaned my Master Bath and you know how good that makes me feel :-)

Got other needed to do stuff done, then headed out for errands, lunch at Panera ( a client gave me a gift card as a thank you for 'being so nice and sweet' - I know...huge awwww moment, huh??), and then back home to relax and surf and be alone and think.

Today was sunny and windy and gorgeous and the START of Spring...oh yeah...Spring is just getting started which makes me beyond happy.

Speaking of beyond happy...

Read a Twitter thread this week that made me think. One of my followers/followees tweeted about how Social Media can be all happy-happy and not really real cause there's no negativity mentioned. Good point, I think. This one particular person (hi Micah!) is the most transparent person I know...meaning he puts it alllll out there for everyone to see. Doesn't hold back, doesn't mince words, WYSIWYG. Yeah, that's Micah.

And it got me to thinking how I portray myself and my life and me in general when it comes to Kathyland/ALS! and everything in between.

I would say my portrayal of myself and my world is accurate...truthful...positive...and every now and then there is negativity combined with realisticality. Was going to say realism but that wouldn't have been the best word choice, altho it may have sounded nicer than realisticality.

Of course, there is the not-so-perky side of Kathyland when things don't go as planned or when life kicks me in the gut or when I am just in a really really bad shitty scary oh-my-God-I-want-my-mommy kinda space...and I guess just cause I don't blog about it or tweet about it doesn't mean it doesn't exist or that I am not having a crappy day/week/month/quarter.

Someone once asked why  99.9% of my posts are upbeat and positive. And my answer was 'Bad stuff happens to everyone on a daily basis. And just cause it happens, doesn't mean you have to share it with everyone'.

That's been especially true for the last 2 months. Seems it's been one thing after another. And for awhile seemed that other than my J#2, almost everything in my life was headed down the tubes. And that made me not only sad, but came close to defeating me. So I didn't blog about it cause I thought if I did it would be making a not great situation even worse and would have hurt more than helped. 

Now really, this isn't a cue for anyone to comment and say ' hey, I'm here for you'  or 'hang in there, things will get better'. I know you're there and life is cyclical, so if it's shitty now it WILL get better...and if it's better, enjoy it while it lasts since shittiness is more than likely on the horizon. No, this is not a pimp for comments.

So anyway. I was in a bad place for a longer than usual time period. And I'm not used to being there, especially since my move to CO. Call it being at my wits end but the other night I had a breakthru..after the breakdown...and just decided to accept things, own the badness and shittiness, and just fucking move forward and get beyond it.

And the next day, Friday, I really did see things in a whole new light. And while I'm still worried and concerned with happenings in Kathyland, it's manageable. And my stress level has plummeted. And my new mindset is so what?  

So what if this happens? So what if that happens? It's life, baby and you really have no choice but to live it. I mean well yeah of course you have a choice to live it OR NOT....but I'm not going down the OR NOT path. Trust me on that one.

See, there I go again. The whole perception thing. In the end, my perception will make or break this experience called life.

Call it positive or negative or whatever you want to call it, but it is my reality. And it's the only one I have right now, so I'll take it and do the best I can.

Wish me luck and thanks for listening.

Comments

[rosalicious]

No wine for me this weekend! No alcohol at all, in fact. Just me, Kev, the new house and 14 hours a day of PAINTING.

I love your perspective ;) The bad shit never lasts. It will always always pass.

[rosalicious]

Actually I lied: I had a bloody mary Saturday morning - Hmmm, can you say DENIAL? ;)

[Alma]

I didn't do much of anything this weekend except read. Oh--and move furniture around. I also had a breakdown on Saturday. It was good--a long time in coming. And I feel stronger for it now.

I started blogging on MySpace after my Mama got sick and moved in with me. I had quit my job and was basically living and breathing hospitals. It was the absolute worst time of my life. If you go through my archives of MySpace blogs, you'll see that my first blogs were blatantly positive with absolutely no mention of what had happened. I talked about snowshoeing (because my friends felt so bad for me that they flew from California and surprised me with a trip)...I reviewed movies. No mention that my mother was terminally ill, and I was being financially bludgeoned for it.

It was odd because I write about stuff...it's how I get through. But, back then, I couldn't. When my Mama died, I finally started to talk about it--because I had to tell someone. It was too big not to. For nearly three years, I was absolutely transparent--every single thing in my life was chronicled in that blog--every emotion. It was carthartic; I made friends. But I also got a big dose of negativity from people who aren't always kind. It taught me a lot about openness and privacy.

The thing is--I was always a really private person--to the extreme. No one knew me as a kid. My Mama's death swung the pendulum the other way. Now, I feel like my blog balances things. There are so many things I don't write anymore. I don't like writing about the bad things, either, but they come up sometimes. On Saturday, though, I started to try to blog but then rethought it. It's much nicer to call someone and talk about it.

Hope everything brightens up for you pronto.

[hdw]

Of course you aren't pimping for comments, but I really AM here for you and will do whatever I can to help you through this icky period. And it is all manageable. Especially when you don't have to go through it all alone and have people to lean on, so lean this way. At least I can have Pepsi on hand the next time you visit my house. Bad, bad HDW. Love you!

[hubs]

One of my favorite quotes (I have it printed on my checks):
"In three words, I can sum up everything I know about life: It goes on"