Was It Really That Long Ago?

Seemed like it was only yesterday I couldn't wait for the 7th to get here yet, at the same time, dreading that the 7th would be here before I knew it.

I thought I would puke. I knew I would cry. But how much would I cry? Buckets? Barely a dribble? And oh God, please don't let me puke. Cause I sorta kinda thought I would puke. Dec 7 is D-Day. And 5 years ago today, Dec 7 2001, was my own personal D-Day. The day my divorce was finalized.

It's funny how certain memories, no matter how long ago, will forever remain crystal clear in your mind.

I remember what I felt like when I woke. I remember thinking that by lunchtime it would be all over. I had a morbid curiosity, wondering how the day would unfold.

Arrived at the courthouse incredibly early. Was all fidgety and stuff. Do I go in? Do I wait for him to show up? Where do I wait? Where do I go?

So I did what I always used to do in times of uncertainty. I checked my voicemail at work.

Not too many co-workers knew I was going thru a divorce. And fewer clients knew. One of my closest clients did know, and as I checked my voicemail I heard the cheeriest message from Tom saying 'Smile, smile, smile. Today is the day for smiles and moving on to the next step of what will be the happiest part of your life. So smile, don't cry, and think of how wonderfully your life will turn out from here on out'.

This darlingly (new word) sweet message totally sent me over the edge and I must have cried for about 10 minutes. The fact that he even remembered the signifcance of the day was touching plus he'd also remembered how I had confided in him that I was so afraid of crying while the judge was saying the words that ended my marriage.

So I gathered myself together and went inside. As I was about to go into the line for the metal detectors, on the other side a co-worker and her boyfriend leaving the buidling. She semi-shouted across the line ' Hey Kath, what are you doing here? Rick and I just got our marriage license!'. So I looked straight at her and said ' I'm here to finalize my divorce'.

As soon as I said the words, I started crying again, the look of pity my friend gave me was torture to witness, and the klutz part of me went into panic mode and I dropped my purse and all my legal paperwork, thus jamming up the security line. Oh yeah, fun times.

There was the kindest lawyer right in back of me that told me not to move, he gathered all my belongings for me and gave me a quick hug while whispering that he was on his 2nd marriage and it was 10 times better than his first ever was and to never ever settle or give up on guys, cause they're not all bad.

Wow. Free legal advice. Nice!

Found the room right away and within minutes my soon-to-be-ex-husband showed up. He mumbled something about there being a huge line at the metal detector and the people in front of him were talking about 'some woman freaked out cause she was here to get a divorce'.

And then it started again. In slo-mo.

They called our names to fill out last minute forms.

(Tears welling up)

They called us into a room.

(Starting to cry very quietly)

They called us up to a podium.

( I am crying hysterically by now)

My minutes-away-from-being-ex-husband looks at me with embarrassment. The Judge says 'are you sure you want to do this'. The Baliff brings me a box of tissues. I nod my head yes because I can't talk since I'm crying so hard. He says very sweetly and quietly 'Honey, you have to speak up, I can't hear you'. By this time 3 other couples are crying as well.

Ah shit.

So I croak out the answers, he says the words that end our marriage and he declares each of us legally single from now on.

We turn and walk out of the room.

I follow M down a long dark hall thinking...'so this is what it comes down to...what started as a walk down the aisle on my Dad's arm ends with a long walk down a dark hallway, me still sobbing and him a notch under speed walking.

He reaches the door first, flings it open, and he's gone.

It's over.

Yes, I cried but at least I didn't puke.

Always looking on the bright side.

My friend Tom was so right.

My life has turned out beyond wonderfully. I am happier than I ever have been in my entire life...and I used to be happy back then when I was a couple.

So many times society or friends or family push push push you to find that 'special someone' or 'settle down' or 'get married so you can give us grandkids'. They think they know what's best for you and they do it out of love or wanting grandkids or thinking you should 'assilmilate'...just like the Borg. (geek alert!)

Just because you're a couple doesn't guarantee happiness. If anything, the times I was married and sleeping right next to someone every night were lonelier than any night since I've been single.

Having been married and now having been single for 5 years, I can honestly say I don't know that I would ever want to get married again. Why? What for?

I don't want kids. I own my house, pay my bills, manage to have a ton of fun with friends and acquaintances and I have a hell of a great time on my own. Would it be nice to have someone to hang with on a regular basis? Maybe. Possibly. Could be.

I'm not against marriage per se and who knows, it could happen to me again. Not actively looking for it but you know what they say what happens when you're not looking (besides running into things).

I can tell you that having been married then having been single, I definitely know what I want. Settling will never be an option. Not that I settled before. I got married with my eyes wide open and knew what I was getting into. But hindsight is a wonderful teacher, if you learn your lessons well.

I'm learning...and remembering...lessons on a daily basis. It might have been 5 years ago, but it really seems like it was this morning.

And in both instances, the night ended better than the day started.

Comments

[i know, i can smell it]

Kath, how wonderful that you know what it is you want. Some of us never figure that out! Congrats on passing the 5 year mark with strength and optimism.

[rosie]

I don't remember the day my parents' divorce was finalized, but I always remember their wedding anniversary, even though it's been almost 40 years since they married. And on that date each year I'm always like THANK FUCKING GOD THEY GOT DIVORCED.

I'm totally with you on the whole "marriage doesn't ensure happiness" thing. But I do believe there is a special someone out there for everyone...and whoever finds YOU, darlin', is going to be very lucky!

[Howard]

Oh, wow. Thanks for sharing Kath. That was wonderful.

And very good writing. ;)

[Bill Daley]

I agree, very powerful writing and very dead-on. I was lucky; I wasn't required in court. But I remembered the divorce date, 2 December 2005. And I'll remember the day the marriage was over, 27 December 2004. Strangely, our first date was in December, too. the 5th. 1979. Gosh, just typing the D-Day seems so odd, it really wasn't that long ago, was it.

[Stefanie]

We don't have D-Day scheduled yet, it's still tangled up with his lawyer. Soon, hopefully; the in-between LimboLand is horrible. I dread the end, but at this point it can't come soon enough.

Will you be my Tom, please?

[HDW]

I just love you to bits and pieces! Thank you a million times over for sharing this with us.

XO

[hubs]

hugs.

[Buffy]

I dreamed last night this same thing happened to me.

That's as close as I can get to relating...but it's close enough.

Poor thing.

[History Chic]

My mom and dad got divorced when I was 7. At the time, I didn't get it but knowing them both now...I get it. It was the best thing for them. My mom never remarried and my dad has been married to my step-mom for 30 years. They still act like newlyweds and love each other to bits. I think my adult self has realized that some people are better married and some people are not. My mom is perfectly happy sharing her life with someone but loves her independence. She always tells me, never get married unless it is what you want (not society, your family, your friends). She has been giving me that advice since I was 7 LOL :) I took it to heart because I think it is exactly how marriage (if it is done) should be approached. I am so happy that you are happy. Goes to prove free legal advice is AWESOME LOL :) ((((((((((( Hugs and Love )))))))))) Girl!!!

[frank]

You are blessed or cursed with a vivid memory of detail. Tough day.

[Kath]

Thanks guys!

Sure Stef, I'll be your Tom any day. So will everyone else on here!

Hawr- Yep. It's a blessing, I feel. See you soon.